a thought

sometimes postsecret knows how to say what i feel better than i do.
sometimes postsecret knows HOW i feel better than i do.

beartrail of tears: the sequel. or, "i'm fine in my tshirt, thanks"

for the past two, maybe three weeks or so, i've been fairly consistent in my running (or at least attempt at running) of the beartrail. i feel pretty decent about the progress i've been making...a few days ago i ran the entire thing two times. in a row. without stopping. upon my return home i curled into a ball on the carpet and was dead for about two and a half minutes, but i was so proud of myself. but self confidence doesn't last for long on the beartrail.

see, it doesn't matter what time of day or night i choose to run - i somehow manage to be running at the same time as the sorority girls. you know, those kappa-beta-gamma-theta-omega-iota-something-or-others who think it is socially acceptable to run wearing nothing but a sports bra and these shorts:





(available in a variety of colors at your local academy store for the low low price of $24.99 plus tax.)

1. who pays that much for a pair of running shorts? i'm still wearing my gym shorts from high school, thanks so much.
2. i want to ask these girls if they meant to leave the house without a shirt, or did they just forget? i would like to give them the benefit of the doubt - otherwise i have to believe that they are flaunting their large boobs and flat stomachs for the sole purpose of making me feel bad about myself. p.s. girls...its working.


so there i am, wearing my 2003 volleyball playoff shirt with the hole in the left armpit and some $6 soffe shorts from kohls and listening to some showtunes on my old school ipod mini. and there they are, with their bouncy blonde ponytails and their exposed but flab-free tummies and their thighs that don't touch when they run and their trendy ipod invisible or whatever. and we're running, and i'm thinking, maybe if i just had a pair of those shorts.

and then i'm thinking, screw this. this is something i'm doing for me. its not a popularity contest or a fashion show. its about me being healthy and trying to feel good about myself, which hasn't happened yet but i have to believe that someday it will. so those skinny bitches can kiss my fat ass because i'm fine in my tshirt and shorts from high school and i don't care who knows it.

things i should be doing right now

1. finding a greek monologue for period styles tomorrow.
2. cleaning my crap-hole apartment
3. taking a shower
4. managing my time
5. memorizing lines
6. sleeping

oh well. sometimes i sit down to write a blog post and have so very many thoughts that i want to express but can't be translated into conherent sentences. its frustrating. so i make lists instead.

if i bet on horse races, this would probably be the outcome:

"but fancy-dancy magic-prancy was supposed to be a sure thing!"
"thats what they said about the titanic too. tough break."

beartrail...of tears?

tonight i ran the entire beartrail for the first time...i used to only walk, and just recently began running a little but walking most of it...then i was able to do half and half...and then i could run three fourths but that one fourth was always walking.

but tonight i ran the whole thing.

SUCK IT BEARTRAIL!

my legs feel like they are crying but it's an okay feeling to have.

if you're sleeping, are you dreaming? if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

so many parts of my body are begging me to go to sleep but for some reason i'm jittery and wide awake.

i should probably stop doing so many drugs before bed.*

and i have a lot i should get done...i should use this bit of insomnia to be productive, right? so guess what i'm doing.

FACEBOOK FTW!

*i don't actually do drugs.

i am a semi-badass because...

...in the past seven days i have done the beartrail four times. and run almost all of it.

...my toilet is leaking and i figured out a way to keep water from getting all over my bathroom floor.

...i spend too much time on facebook and probably know too much about you because of it.

...i got patrick to watch enchanted.

...sometimes i can thrive on four hours of sleep or less. but only sometimes.

the story of my life-long follicle follies

"there are times when...i think i'm in danger of becoming a prisoner of my own hair." - Brian May

i began feeling this recently.

want proof? here you go.

exhibit a: fifth grade. i was visiting my sister during her first year at baylor. hair = parted in the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style.

exhibit b: sixth grade. isn't that sweet? a sears portrait...hair = parted in the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style.

exhibit c: tenth grade. i was wearing striped socks to celebrate the last day of school! hair = parted in the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style.

are you noticing a pattern?


exhibit d: eleventh grade. this was my prom hairstyle...something sophisticated and different, obviously. hair = parted down the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style. but i did have a headband.

exhibit e: freshman year at baylor. a trip to the mall with some friends. hair = parted in the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style. no surprise here.

exhibit f: sophomore year at baylor. headshots for my first mainstage! not even a neat fountain can hide the evidence. hair = parted down the center and straight. no bangs, no layers, no style.

exhibit g: a few days ago. i was holding a toucan at garden ridge. hair = sucks. that's all there is to it.

"hair has always been important." - diana ross

i never realized that changing your hair could make you feel like a completely new person. and then this happened.

hair = BANGS! LAYERS! STYLE!

okay. i realize that in the grand scheme of hair, this is a very minor change. in the grand scheme of life in general, this is a very minor change. but for me, this is a HUGE change...not just because i've never had anything like it before, but because it is a change that represents the person that i am working on becoming. i didn't just cut off split ends...i cut off ten or more years of being stagnant and boring. i cut off negativity and anger and unhappiness and doubt and fear. who knew that changing this one little thing could be so cathartic and make me feel so amazing? i feel lighter somehow...and almost confident. its a new feeling, but a good one. i hope it doesn't wear off any time soon.

"if truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" - lily tomlin